Jagshemash! My name-a Borat!

You have got to check this out, it’s FREAKIN’ hilarious! The first 4 minutes of the Borat movie!

Also check out Borat’s Official Site.

Quick Synopsis (trying to avoid spoilers for the Euros) — Sawyer discovers just how far his captors will go to thwart any plans of escape that he and Kate might have, and Jack is called upon to scrub up in order to save the life of one of “The Others.” We learn more about Sawyer’s checkered past in the flashback. Meanwhile, Desmond’s behavior begins to perplex the survivors when he starts construction on a lightning rod at the behest of another one of his premonitions. We get to see some excellent shots of Kate’s bare back, but alas no more. The goddamn ABC website has 20 pictures of Sawyer with his shirt off and not one decent shot of Kate’s ass.

I’m starting to think this show is “para los mujeres” as they say.

I have gotten great response in the past on my essays about the girl game, so I figured I’d spit some more knowledge.

There is a dividing line in history [I say history, but I mean my history, however since my history is all I’ll ever experience it might as well be all of history.] before which I didn’t know anything about women and after which I knew everything. Well not everything, but all the important stuff, like how to get them to have sex with me.

Probably one of the most common questions I get is: so Thomas, you mack you, so I’ve upped my game and I got a girl’s phone number and now we’re going out. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW????????? [okay I made that intro part up…]

Well, I’m going to tell you but this is some tricky shit, guys. It’s not that difficult but there’s a secret. A date is a subliminal message. Now if you DON’T know this, you’re fucked. But I just told you, so now you know and you can un-fuck yourself. Think of a date like a marketing campaign. If you’ve checked out your Leykis 101 you know that the purpose of a date is to get laid. However, that’s like saying that the purpose of a job is to become a millionaire, well it may be but there’s a lot of real estate in between. The bottom line is this – the way you act on a date gives a chick a clue as to how you’re going to act in the sack. Don’t know what a chick wants in the sack? Well pick up an issue of Cosmo, dude.

I’m serious, best $5 you’ll spend all month. I shit you not. Women want a man to be a man, they want some adventure, some comfort, some humor. Seriously, incorporate these into a date and you’ll get laid, bottom line.

Have you seen the film The Tao of Steve? No? As soon as you are done reading this essay and renewing your subscription to one of the sites I promote for November [Heh heh] go rent it and watch it. In the movie they tell you everything you need to do on a date to get laid. I’ll paraphrase:

1. Eliminate your desire.
2. Be excellent in her presence.
3. Then you must retreat.

Basically this means that you need to avoid being a drunken loutish horn dog, you need to demonstrate your sexual worthiness and you need to back off and let the woman chase you, because women desire what retreats. I’m a little down on step three, because I have never had a woman chase me down and tackle me and give me a hummer, but it’s a subtle dance. See how these illustrate the four things I mentioned above? By eliminating your desire you show a woman that you are man and not a boy and you control your cock, your cock doesn’t control you.

Okay, so this is a complete lie, but chicks want to believe it right?

So, none of this sounds useful yet, right? Well this is your marketing plan, guys. This is the sales pitch you’re making to your chick and if you do it correctly there’s punani at the end of the rainbow. You need to incorporate all of these into a date to plant a message your girl’s head – “Gee this is a guy I’d sure like to fuck!” So let me give you a concrete example of how I did this recently on a date with a striking 22 year old blonde.

On the spur of the moment we went to a Mexican bar, I’d gotten her number about a week before but never called her [retreat…]. I did however, send her a message via MySpace as she’d insisted on telling me her MySpace handle. She messaged me back and I asked her out on the spot. We went to the bar, got a little buzzy and then I leaned in all conspiratorially and whispered, “Hey, how late can you stay up? Late enough for an adventure?” She smiled and said yes and we were off. Now when you hear about this it’ll sound fucking stupid, but in the moment when it’s all mysterous and shit, girls dig that. Trust. All those dating books that tell you to do stupid shit like go on a scavenger hunt? Fuck that. It takes very little to make a fun adventurous date if you sell it well.

So, a buddy of mine has a very cool house on a mountainside and the ‘adventure’ was to go look at the city lights from his amazing back deck. [I didn’t tell her this, nor did I tell her that I had my buddy’s permission. A taking a girl into a little ‘danger’ and getting her out safely is an example of being a dengerous yet tough guy!] So we went out to our cars and I asked if she minded if we drove a bit and then I got a flashlight and a blanket from my trunk [more mystery but also, demonstrating that I’m a manly man as I’m prepared for shit, putting the idea in her head that when we fuck she can be assured that I’ll have the raincoats ready.] You see how I’m doing this? You can do the same, just think it through.

We drove up to my buddy’s place and crept up his driveway, since she was making too much noise in her heels I made her kick them off and gave her a piggy back ride around to the deck. [This demonstrates trust – that I won’t drop her, adds a bit of non-sexual physical contact to make her comfortable, and demonstrates that I’m a man again, as I can carry a woman. PS – this trick doesn’t work on fatties, heh.] So we hung out on the deck for a while, made out a bit and then went back to the car.

As we drove back to her house to drop her off she went on and on about how much fun she’d had, what a great view, all that crap. What she was really telling me is that she wanted my cock. However, when we got to her house I leaned over and kissed and told her that I knew it was very late and I’d kept her up. When she gave me the sad eyes, I knew it was on and I hinted that maybe it wasn’t THAT late and perhaps I should walk her inside for another drink. So bing, bang bongo, ten minutes later I was drilling her like a Texas oilman.

What would a guy with no game have done? Well he’d have probably met her at the bar, had a couple of drinks, felt her up and tried to con her into coming home with him and gone home alone instead and beat off to internet porn…but something good, like this site, IFM.com.

What the fuck? One of the only good shows on this season has been unceremoniously dumped like a fat girl at a party!! The Smith website is still up tho…

This sucks. Fuck CBS.

Here’s more from another TV blogger.

Look, CBS execs, I don’t know if you read my blog but I have bad news for you, your taste in TV shows sucks ass. Seriously, what are you going to replace Smith with, CSI: Toledo? Puh-leeze.

CBS, KMA.