- More on Jane Mag’s 30 year old virgin. I’m calling bullshit.

- Rating chicks. We use the phrase ‘10′ but what does it mean?

So at some point in your career you have to say to yourself, “What is my exit strategy?” often times people say to me, “Thomas,” they say…well they don’t really say this because that’s not my real name. More like “[My real name] do you really think this internet porn thing is going to go on forever?” The answer is no. No, I don’t think that it’s going to last. Either a) I’m going to retire or b) someone is going to come along and eat my lunch and put me out of business.

BUT…I’m a fairly smart guy. I have a back up plan. Which I’m going to share with you now…because I love you…because you read my shit and send me nice emails….with pictures of your hot sisters…sometimes.

So sit back, relax and get your safe ready, cos I’m giving you gold here.

All good ideas begin with a problem. So what is the problem I’m solving? The movie theatre experience. When’s the last time you went to the movies? It probably sucked for a variety of reasons, right? It did for me. And the thing is, I love movies. I love the movie theatre experience. When the lights go down and the previews begin, it’s like the world fades away.

However, all the stuff before and after the movie (and sometimes during) is what makes it a bitch.

What’s the first thing you see when you arrive at the theatre? Yep, it’s some snarky, zit face selling tickets. Then? Hey another grumpy zit face who is way too good for THIS crappy job and would rather be texting his goth girlfriend than tearing tickets. What next? Some wiseass trying to upsell you on a gallon of Coke? Then after you chug your Grande Refresco, you gotta whiz and where do you go? The nasty ass restroom. Why is it nasty? Because no 17 year old making $6 an hour is going to do anything better than a half ass job mopping up tinkle.

Even worse than the zit faces are the ushers of the damned…those sad sack old people sitting there hunched over giving you the Parkinson’s fingers as they try to rip your ticket as if it were made of Tyvek.

I hate this shit.

However, I had a great idea a while back when I cruised by the local Google-plex to catch a matinee. The usher was some retarded kid. And he was happy to be there! He tore my ticket, pointed me to the correct show, reminded me that my movie was starting soon and enocouraged me to enjoy the show. And you know what? He meant it!

When’s the last time someone told you to “Enjoy the show.” and they really meant it!?!?! It got me thinking…

Why not staff an entire movie theatre with….RETARDS!!! Yep, the retard theatre.

Now the first thing you need in any venture is a good name. So the working name is “Special Presentation”…”Retard Theatre” is more accurate but…not PC. THOUGH, people will probably call it “Retard Theatre” anyway.

The benefits of an all retard staff are multiple. First off are the financial benefits: the government will subsidize the employment of retards. On top of this since I’ll be doing this to benefit the working retard community I can probably mark up ticket prices a buck or two and people will happily pay. Not just to help the helmet crowd, but because Special Presentation will provide a pure, upscale theatre experience.

Why you ask?

Well the thing about the normal theatre is you are employing relatively normal kids who are probably total slackers. Think of it this way, say your average kid has an IQ of 100. But for $6 an hour they’re only likely to put 50-60% of their brain power toward their job. So you’re getting an IQ of 50-60 on the job. With a retard, however, they KNOW they are retarded and they know to keep their job they’ll need to put in 100% effort. Now even if a retard is only pushing an IQ of 75, he’s putting 100% into his job and thus, you have a net 15 IQ point advantage over a high school kid.

Not to mention the honest, genuine enthusiasm you get from your average tard.

Those kids who work at the multiplex? All they want is to save enough cash to buy a bag of weed and maybe Hey-Dude-It at the Quickie Mart for a six pack. Then they’ll probably end up making fun of you for being a square and watching chick flicks to get laid. Not the retards. Nope, they are genuinely grateful for their jobs.

Special Presentation will also be the cleanest theatre in town. Think about it, you ask a 17 year old punk to go mop the head and what’s he going to do? A crummy job, that’s what. But you throw Corky a set of rubber gloves and a toilet scrubber and tell him he’s Captain Bathroom and his mission is to eradicate the pee monster…two hours later that place will be clean top to bottom.

Plus think of the endless public service announcements you can have featureing your retard staff! You know those “clever” spots they have reminding you not to use your phone during the movie? Imagine this clip: The screen goes dark, then lights up as some douche answers his phone during the movie. Suddenly a flashlight spotlights the goofball and it’s one of our friendly ushers who reminds the audience, “I’m retarded and even I know that you don’t use a cell phone during the movie.”

Humiliation goes a long way…

Some people may have a problem with an all retard staff, but worry not. We’ll have regular folks as managers and Special Presentation will carefully screen out the droolers and masturbators.

So, coming soon — Special Presentation.

How the fuck is it that The Sopranos takes 2 full years to make a couple of fucked up episodes and the hard working Cylons at Sci-Fi who make BSG are churning out 20 episodes a year with nary a break? There’s a lesson in this — one day someone leaner and hungrier is going to come along…and make the best show on tv.

PS - Starbuck is totally a Cylon. You heard it here first.

Look, first off, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE women. Love them. They are great…they have the titties.

But there are some chicks who annoy me. Mainly these are the ones who are kind of uptight about sex and think that any access to the pussy at all is cause for a guy to rejoice.

So look, confession time — I like it when chicks swallow.

It’s really part of the blowjob. Well it’s not so much the actual swallowing, which is great, but basically you have to cum in a girl’s mouth for it to be a blowjob, if you don’t it’s just foreplay.

Plus swallowing makes the blowjob portable…think movie theatre, guys!! Anyway I was browsing the search engines to see how my sites are doing and I noticed a page called “100 Cum Swallowing Tips” which I perused (every little bit helps when you are trying to sell it to a girl who refuses!) until something caught my eye!

Check out tip number 5: “5. The most obvious thing to do is use a condom. It may not be as pleasurable to your partner than it would be without it, but hey, it is better than nothing, right? I mean, you should not have to suffer. There are also flavored condoms for your pleasure. - Neva, New York”

Who is this whore???

Hi, Neva, from New York? You…you’re a crazy bitch ain’tcha?

Really, guys, it is better than nothing?? [yes that was a resounding “No!” you heard from the other readers as well.] If you think a blowjob with a condom is better than nothing than I feel incredibly sorry for you. Send me an email, I’m going to fly you out here and I’m going to get you a real, actual blowjob. No, it really isn’t better than nothing.

I’d rather beat off and watch Lost on DVD than get a BJ with a condom on. This is coming from a chick who must literally know nothing about sex. If a girl offered to blow me with a condom on, I’d be like, “Uh, no. Get out.” or first I might offer to eat her out with a wet suit between her legs.

Ladies, quick tip. It’s not called a blowjob because you blow on the cock. It’s called a blowjob because, when done properly it BLOWS your partner’s mind.

So, yes like most of you I’d happily live the rest of my days banging 21 year old hotties. BUT, variety is the spice of life. And…older chicks give better head. Seriously. Have you ever gotten a decent hummer from a woman under 24?

Yeah…no. They just don’t know how. And really, are super firm jugs a good trade for a dry, toothy BJ?

I think not my friends!!

So in my quest for the perfect oral I have moved up the scale. Not technically to MILFs as I think y’all know these days a 21 year old is as likely to be a MILF as a 41 year old. So I settled on your common everyday, but still hot 30-something. And I have learned some valuable lessons. Which I will share with you, my loyal reader[s].

Where to start? First off: Finding your prey. Actually, hot older chicks are totally easy to meet. Any 34 year old chick on MySpace is looking to get laid. Period. Also 30-something chicks are on the hunt all the time, so you’ll have better success hooking them on the job. My latest was a massage therapist I met during a massage, which is a bit of real game, mi amigos.

Next up, Hooking that snapper. The key is you have to play a different game than your bar game. Even if you are AT a bar, the game you have to play a different game. 30+ chicks are a little smarter. They respond to wit and actual conversation. I do a pretty decent cocky-funny rap and thus I’m pretty good at getting past their initial barriers. For example, I was on the table and the massage chick was kneading my dough and we were making conversation. She rolled me over and was giving the A-side some attention when she got a little too close to the dick so I said to her, “Easy babe, I always knew there was a reason you can’t spell therapist without the word ‘rapist’.” We had a laugh and the conversaion flowed onward nicely. On the way out I dropped this on her, “You know if you want to get closer to my package you’re going to have to let me buy you dinner.”

Bam, I had a number, a date and a kiss on the cheek. And, yes, I got that handjob at a later date. I’m working up to oral by date 3. Alas yes, older chicks still have the 3 date rule. But…man up guys! 3 dates, that’s not bad. Coffee is a date. Lunch is a date. Heh. Also you can double date, go for a drink, seque into breakfast..bam 2 dates.

If you’re read this far I can give you the Secret Poon Tip O’the Day, remember when you were 19 years old, gentlemen? When you had wood like a fucking lightsaber and would fuck anything that couldn’t run fast enough to get away? Oh yes…those days, gents. Well a 34 year chick has nearly as much testosterone running through her veins as you did then. Seriously. They are dying for some cock. Why not let it be yours? You can use this to your advantage. Women at their sexual peak don’t know how to deal with it. For 34 years they were in charge, they said yes or no to the sex.

Now? They have no control, all of a sudden the pussy is calling the shots.

We guys, we know what this is like. Since the age of 12 the cock has been the boss, but eventually after 10-20 years we learn to master it. Women? They have no clue.

Go out there and bag some MILF, guys.