Okay, maybe not me. But you, you loyal readers, you sure love her. So I guess I should update the Lia19 gallery section huh? God forbid you beat off to the 500000000000000 FEMJOY galleries I put up. No, no everybody wants Lia.

Okay, give me a few days. I have a freakin’ life over here people. This picture of Lia19 is whackable so…enjoy.

Also around the end of the month I’ll be at a thing, where I’m sure I’ll run into her and I’ll get a couple of candids for you. If you have requests, get them in before then, because you know I’m a lazy ass about pictures at shows.

Get the beat lotion up to room temp. and smooth out the jizz towel — the FEMJOY gallery page is up!!!!

Last night I stood in an absurd line to check out the new film 300 in the biggest, loudest theatre in the state. My review?

Go see this f-ing movie. NOW. Not tomorrow, now!

That’s all. Also, disregard all these snooty douchebag reviewers who handed out negative reviews. If you feel the need, click over to Movies.com and check out a couple of the weirdly mixed reviews, but you really shouldn’t bother. Not one of them captures the essence of the film in any way. One thing to recall is that a majority of movie reviewers are merely reporters who got assigned to the film beat. They aren’t film FANS and the ones that might be…well take a look at some of their past reviews to see what they have to say. For example Rolling Stone gave 300 a crap review. A little bit of research reveals that their critic is this fellow named Peter Travers. Who, incidentally used to be the film critic for the hard hitting journal People Magazine …heh.

A quick Google search reveals his past top ten lists from each year and it basically reads like the top ten lists of the Jump on the Bandwagon Film Squad. Plus every year whatever homo movie came out seems to be in the number 2 spot. Some classics? He lists Titanic as the best movie of 1997, and whatever Woody Allen craps out ALWAYS makes the top ten.

1999 is the key year I would use call his taste worthless — he ignored Fight Club but put American Beauty at the top of his list. Anybody who liked American Beauty was too much of a pussy to have seen Happiness the year before. American Beauty was just a shiny, happy rip-off version of Happiness. This is a guy who didn’t even rate David Fincher’s best movies like Se7en and Fight Club but called Zodiac (his WORST film) his best.

So fuck the critics and go see 300. If you really don’t like it, you are probably a Brokeback Mountain loving fag BUT send me your ticket stub and I’ll take care of it for you. Now what critic ever makes THAT offer??

…with jugs THIS NICE even exist? Seriously? Have you ever seen ta-ta’s this fine? In real life? Ever?

What’s beyond a regular boner? Like a super boner. A BONE-er.

Let me preface this discussion by pointing out that:

a) under no circumstances do I believe that a really good handjob is a substitute for a decent blowjob, ever…even if the handie is given to you by like a hand supermodel.

b) my buddies own www.manojob.com which is the best handjob site in existence [mano = hand in Spanish. Get it now? Yes, I’ve told them this, but they’re married to it.] I have no interest in the site whatsoever, but if you go join and then email them and say I told you that it was the best site ever I think I can get a free burrito out of it.

So. Handjob versus blowjob, blowjob versus handjob.

I don’t really need to sing the praises of the blowjob. I’ll tell you though, the first guy who thought of sticking his cock in a chick’s mouth instead of the vagine? Smart motherfucker. Probably like Einstein smart. I would say Stephen Hawking smart, but what’s that guy ever stuck his cock in?

But have you ever really thought of the pros of the handjob? First and foremost, no teeth! By far the biggest mistake a chick makes when giving you substandard head is too much in the tooth department. You would think that this would be a no brainer — no teeth on the cock, but it’s often a big issue. But with a handie it’s not even possible. Actually, having your lady’s mouth free is great for other reasons. Most importantly — attitude. See I have always thought part of the reason that chicks hate blowing you is because they can’t talk. I hate to sound like a douche here, but chicks like to talk, right? They can’t really bust out a monologue when you are face fucking them…er face making LOVE to them. So…QED — they are less than enthusiastic about the BJ.

Next, you can usually jizz all over a chick when she’s jerking you off. C’mon, in anybody’s book this is freakin’ awesome. If a chick is jerking you off you can usually aim it so she knows what’s coming…er. Right. Anyway it’s a great excuse to splash your lady in some semen. Third, any chick can pull it off. There are some women who are just terrible at giving head. They just can’t get the rhythm or pressure right to make you unload. But a handjob? She just tugs. It’s elegant in its simplicity, it’s primal. You tug the tiger and it happens.

Last but not least? You can get a handjob in the bus station for $5 and not risk herpes. And maybe that’s the best lesson of all.