Let me preface this discussion by pointing out that:

a) under no circumstances do I believe that a really good handjob is a substitute for a decent blowjob, ever…even if the handie is given to you by like a hand supermodel.

b) my buddies own www.manojob.com which is the best handjob site in existence [mano = hand in Spanish. Get it now? Yes, I’ve told them this, but they’re married to it.] I have no interest in the site whatsoever, but if you go join and then email them and say I told you that it was the best site ever I think I can get a free burrito out of it.

So. Handjob versus blowjob, blowjob versus handjob.

I don’t really need to sing the praises of the blowjob. I’ll tell you though, the first guy who thought of sticking his cock in a chick’s mouth instead of the vagine? Smart motherfucker. Probably like Einstein smart. I would say Stephen Hawking smart, but what’s that guy ever stuck his cock in?

But have you ever really thought of the pros of the handjob? First and foremost, no teeth! By far the biggest mistake a chick makes when giving you substandard head is too much in the tooth department. You would think that this would be a no brainer — no teeth on the cock, but it’s often a big issue. But with a handie it’s not even possible. Actually, having your lady’s mouth free is great for other reasons. Most importantly — attitude. See I have always thought part of the reason that chicks hate blowing you is because they can’t talk. I hate to sound like a douche here, but chicks like to talk, right? They can’t really bust out a monologue when you are face fucking them…er face making LOVE to them. So…QED — they are less than enthusiastic about the BJ.

Next, you can usually jizz all over a chick when she’s jerking you off. C’mon, in anybody’s book this is freakin’ awesome. If a chick is jerking you off you can usually aim it so she knows what’s coming…er. Right. Anyway it’s a great excuse to splash your lady in some semen. Third, any chick can pull it off. There are some women who are just terrible at giving head. They just can’t get the rhythm or pressure right to make you unload. But a handjob? She just tugs. It’s elegant in its simplicity, it’s primal. You tug the tiger and it happens.

Last but not least? You can get a handjob in the bus station for $5 and not risk herpes. And maybe that’s the best lesson of all.