Monday Morning Politics
I don’t normally go into politics on the blog, but every once in a while it can’t hurt.
This all started last year when I realized how boned I was going to get on taxes. Partly because my little business is so profitable, and partly because I have very little overhead. Alas my accountant pointed out that I cannot write off my $30 boxers [what the hell? I wear them at work, right?] nor my morning espressos [seriously, who works without caffeine??]. But he suggested that instead of trying to defraud the IRS with shady deductions, I take legitimate advantage of tax law and start a business with more overhead and less profit as a shelter.
So I started my own think tank - The Ordinary Pornstar Counsel on Foreign Relations. Basically it’s a bunch of smart guys [and me] I have on the payroll, and we meet weekly at our K-street offices to discuss America’s place in the world and offer helpful suggestions to the administration. Normally, nothing comes of these meetings and the white papers they produce.
However, recently a meeting report caught my eye as being particularly insightful and interesting. Please do enjoy.
The Ordinary Pornstar Counsel on Foreign Relations - Iraq War Update, June 2007.
Unfortunately, the Iraq war has exposed the Wizard of Oz-like myth of American power. The rest of the world can clearly see that avarice and the desire to move money from the Federal Treasury to the private sector have eclipsed America’s ability to dominate on the battlefield. This will have wretched consequences for the United States’ place in the world in coming decades.
The Ordinary Pornstar Counsel on Foreign Relations offers the following assessment of the problem and a simple but original solution.
By and large the inability to win the war in Iraq in a timely and convincing fashion lies with the so called ‘All Volunteer Army’. A better description could be the ‘All Poor Kids With No Prospects For College Army’ or the ‘All GED Army’.
The truth of this is hilariously illustrated by the ‘heroes’ the administration has offered up during the conflict. Recall Jessica Lynch, awarded the Bronze Star for bravery. This is the 4th highest military decoration for bravery on the battlefield. Initial reports painted Lynch as some kind of modern day Annie Oakley who held off a company of highly trained mujahideen single handedly as her maintenance company was ambushed. In fact, she never fired a shot as her weapon was jammed with sand [ironically for a member of a ‘maintenance’ company], she was hit on the head, fell down and woke up days later in an Iraqi civilian hospital. Which makes one wonder what a soldier must do to win the fifth highest decoration for bravery. Think also of Pat Tillman, the professional football player who gave up a lucrative NFL contract to play GI Joe in Afghanistan, awarded the Silver Star and a posthumous promotion for his valor. He was shot in the back of the head by his own men.
The Ordinary Pornstar Counsel on Foreign Relations humbly suggests that to maintain American supremacy the threat of military dominance must be enhanced. Or, since the only threat we offer now is to bomb the shit out of your country and then wander around for years building McDonalds, raping school girls and shooting ourselves, the threat must be made an actual threat.
Thus we call for the All Felon Army. The volunteer army will be maintained but current troops will be phased into support roles and new troops will be trained and moved into combat roles. These new troops will come exclusively from America’s overflowing prisons.
Until now American felons have led wasteful lives and even their incarceration has cost the nation money and repaid nothing. The All Felon Army will allow offenders to serve out their sentences in military service and earn a place in society by repaying their debt to American society on the battlefield in foreign lands.
The benefits of this program are multiple. First, the high cost of the American state and federal prison system will be payed for by the labor costs saved by sending conscripted felons into combat roles. Most importantly, the prestige and fear that the American army once inspired in our enemies will return and vault the US to the superpower, hegemonic status we have falsely claimed for long.
In practice, what nation on the face of the earth will not bend to our wishes when the alternative is us dropping a few thousand violent felons armed with the excess testosterone of the average sex offender, the short term memory loss of the chronic meth user, and the trusty Colt Arms AR-15. We don’t even have to give them body armor or up-armored Humvees since these things seem to be so utterly impossible to provide for citizen soldiers.
Think of the successes we’d have already reaped in Iraq with the All Felon Army. The first initial failings were a) sending too few troops and b) not guarding against looting and disorder. These would be non issues with a felon army. In case a, whenever the felon army is deployed we send them ALL. Good god, any excuse to get those losers off American soil is an opportunity. So every deployment is the ENTIRE FELON ARMY. In case b, who is going to know more about looting than our felons? Our boys would have been there DAYS before Iraqis, unbolting artwork and swiping Saddam’s solid gold back scratcher collections.
The primary concern with the All Felon Army would be the crimes committed abroad by felon-soldiers. Honestly, how would this be different from our current army, net-net? A rape here and there, a massacre more or less? The advantage of the All Felon Army is that they are SUPPOSED to commit a few crimes when deployed. With our current army it’s a national black eye when some good clean cut Marines rape a 12 year old girl and kill her family. The administration must apologize and endure ridicule when our ‘heroes’ cross the line.
This is in stark contrast to the All Felon Army: “Hey”, the administration can point out. “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns. Welcome to getting invaded by America.”
God bless you all and god bless the United States of America.
