Let me preface this discussion by pointing out that:

a) under no circumstances do I believe that a really good handjob is a substitute for a decent blowjob, ever…even if the handie is given to you by like a hand supermodel.

b) my buddies own www.manojob.com which is the best handjob site in existence [mano = hand in Spanish. Get it now? Yes, I’ve told them this, but they’re married to it.] I have no interest in the site whatsoever, but if you go join and then email them and say I told you that it was the best site ever I think I can get a free burrito out of it.

So. Handjob versus blowjob, blowjob versus handjob.

I don’t really need to sing the praises of the blowjob. I’ll tell you though, the first guy who thought of sticking his cock in a chick’s mouth instead of the vagine? Smart motherfucker. Probably like Einstein smart. I would say Stephen Hawking smart, but what’s that guy ever stuck his cock in?

But have you ever really thought of the pros of the handjob? First and foremost, no teeth! By far the biggest mistake a chick makes when giving you substandard head is too much in the tooth department. You would think that this would be a no brainer — no teeth on the cock, but it’s often a big issue. But with a handie it’s not even possible. Actually, having your lady’s mouth free is great for other reasons. Most importantly — attitude. See I have always thought part of the reason that chicks hate blowing you is because they can’t talk. I hate to sound like a douche here, but chicks like to talk, right? They can’t really bust out a monologue when you are face fucking them…er face making LOVE to them. So…QED — they are less than enthusiastic about the BJ.

Next, you can usually jizz all over a chick when she’s jerking you off. C’mon, in anybody’s book this is freakin’ awesome. If a chick is jerking you off you can usually aim it so she knows what’s coming…er. Right. Anyway it’s a great excuse to splash your lady in some semen. Third, any chick can pull it off. There are some women who are just terrible at giving head. They just can’t get the rhythm or pressure right to make you unload. But a handjob? She just tugs. It’s elegant in its simplicity, it’s primal. You tug the tiger and it happens.

Last but not least? You can get a handjob in the bus station for $5 and not risk herpes. And maybe that’s the best lesson of all.

What the hell is going on in the porn industry? Really? Personally I think things are on the wrong track. Part of the stigma that porn carries now must be due to the extreme and fetishy nature of it. I mean there is some seriously sick shit out there. Beyond the merely sick shit, however there is a mountain of BAD stuff. Do I need to see a girl’s gaping butthole? Do people have a colon fetish? Do I need to see a 7 foot tall black guy stuff his 2 foot long wang into a 105 pound white girl? Does it really turn people on to see nasty, ugly 18 year old whores get pounded by middle aged guys?

Oh yes, all of the above examples are of real actual sites which I won’t dignify with a link.

Since I’m in the porn business I spend a lot of time digging around in the vast dumpster that is internet porn and like a homeless guy locating a new coat, I occasionally find treasures. Which I then share with you. Because, my devoted readers, I love you. I feel like I have a strong personal bond with each and every one of you.

Or…I’m a shallow narcissist who needs constant validation.

To-may-to, to-mott-to really.

So, today’s treasure. I genuinely like this site. I actually went and signed up to it with my own money. It has NO gaping buttholes (sorry colon lovers), no giant black cocks (sorry giant black cock lovers, aka fags), no facials (okay even I like facials). What it has is smoking hot, super curvy, amazingly well photographed…naked chicks.

Period.

Hot naked chicks. Hot. Naked. Chicks. Solomente.

The site is called FEMJOY. Stupid name, kinda. But they are very attached to it. From their site:

“FEMJOY is a registered TradeMark.

Please always use capital letters for FEMJOY (not: Femjoy, not: FemJoy)”

But they do have the world’s hottest banners:

Anyway, I’m so enamored of this crazy ass site that I’m going to swipe a bunch of their galleries and throw them up on the site in the Photo Gallery section. Stay tuned.

First of all, here’s Jane Mag’s bullshit, fake ass 30 Year Old Virgin.

Here’s a REAL 30 year old virgin. Notice the weirdness? The soul searching? This is a real virgin, the chick on Jane just ripped her off and made herself shiny and happy.

So go check out some of the guys that the Jane Mag chick has refused to unlock the poon for in her gallery.

I think the problem is, she just hasn’t met the right guy, so I’ve made my own profile, please feel free to shoot Sarah an email telling her to surf on over and check me out.

Name: Thomas

Age: 27

Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5′10″

Job: Porn mogul and marketing genius. Part time blogger (just like Sarah, see we’re hitting it off here, babe.)

Salary: Six figures. Hopefully seven sooner rather than later.

Location: The Wild West

How old were you for your first time? 18.

I’ve been told I’m _________ in bed. Like a man with a baby elephant trunk grafted on.

If you could do it all over again with Sarah, what would you do differently? I wouldn’t call her a crazy lying blog-whore.

Why are you worthy of a chance to take Sarah’s flower? Because I have a cock and I’m assuming it’ll fit in her vag.

What would you do to put Sarah at ease for her first time? Half a roofie crushed into a tequila shooter and a short lecture on how spit is Mother Nature’s lube should do it.

We often talk about chicks like, “Oh she’s an 8 or a 9 tops.” or the highest compliment, “She’s a ten!” But what does this really mean? Well I aim to tell you.

After having a lot of conversations with my various porn compadres about what’s hot and what’s not I came up with a system that I can score chicks on, so when I say, “She’s a ten!” you’ll know what I mean.

So here are some chicks (with pics), why not score along and see what you come up with, click on the chick to see a pic and my score:

Lindsay Lohan

Jordan Capri

Lia19

Melissa Midwest

Jessica Alba

Jessica Simpson

Nicole Kidman

So here’s how my own score sheet works, each of these is possible points:

Legs — 1 point.
Brown Eyes — Zero points.
Green Eyes — 2 points.
Blue Eyes — 2 points.
Red Hair, freckles — 2 points.
Blonde Hair — 1 point.
Smile (teeth, think Kirsten Dunst) — 1 point.
Shoulders (think Kate from Lost) — 1 point.
Jugs — 2 points.
Can — 2 points.

So Lindsay Lohan gets 2 points for her can, 2 points for her jugs, 1 point for smile, 2 points for red hair, 2 points for green eyes and 1 point for nice legs and thus is a ten.

Nicole Kidman scores similarly but is an eight because she loses a point for having moderate jugs and a point for having a square white girl backside.

So, leave some comments and let me know how you guys score things. Or suggest som chicks, I’ll put up some pics and we can all score them.

So at some point in your career you have to say to yourself, “What is my exit strategy?” often times people say to me, “Thomas,” they say…well they don’t really say this because that’s not my real name. More like “[My real name] do you really think this internet porn thing is going to go on forever?” The answer is no. No, I don’t think that it’s going to last. Either a) I’m going to retire or b) someone is going to come along and eat my lunch and put me out of business.

BUT…I’m a fairly smart guy. I have a back up plan. Which I’m going to share with you now…because I love you…because you read my shit and send me nice emails….with pictures of your hot sisters…sometimes.

So sit back, relax and get your safe ready, cos I’m giving you gold here.

All good ideas begin with a problem. So what is the problem I’m solving? The movie theatre experience. When’s the last time you went to the movies? It probably sucked for a variety of reasons, right? It did for me. And the thing is, I love movies. I love the movie theatre experience. When the lights go down and the previews begin, it’s like the world fades away.

However, all the stuff before and after the movie (and sometimes during) is what makes it a bitch.

What’s the first thing you see when you arrive at the theatre? Yep, it’s some snarky, zit face selling tickets. Then? Hey another grumpy zit face who is way too good for THIS crappy job and would rather be texting his goth girlfriend than tearing tickets. What next? Some wiseass trying to upsell you on a gallon of Coke? Then after you chug your Grande Refresco, you gotta whiz and where do you go? The nasty ass restroom. Why is it nasty? Because no 17 year old making $6 an hour is going to do anything better than a half ass job mopping up tinkle.

Even worse than the zit faces are the ushers of the damned…those sad sack old people sitting there hunched over giving you the Parkinson’s fingers as they try to rip your ticket as if it were made of Tyvek.

I hate this shit.

However, I had a great idea a while back when I cruised by the local Google-plex to catch a matinee. The usher was some retarded kid. And he was happy to be there! He tore my ticket, pointed me to the correct show, reminded me that my movie was starting soon and enocouraged me to enjoy the show. And you know what? He meant it!

When’s the last time someone told you to “Enjoy the show.” and they really meant it!?!?! It got me thinking…

Why not staff an entire movie theatre with….RETARDS!!! Yep, the retard theatre.

Now the first thing you need in any venture is a good name. So the working name is “Special Presentation”…”Retard Theatre” is more accurate but…not PC. THOUGH, people will probably call it “Retard Theatre” anyway.

The benefits of an all retard staff are multiple. First off are the financial benefits: the government will subsidize the employment of retards. On top of this since I’ll be doing this to benefit the working retard community I can probably mark up ticket prices a buck or two and people will happily pay. Not just to help the helmet crowd, but because Special Presentation will provide a pure, upscale theatre experience.

Why you ask?

Well the thing about the normal theatre is you are employing relatively normal kids who are probably total slackers. Think of it this way, say your average kid has an IQ of 100. But for $6 an hour they’re only likely to put 50-60% of their brain power toward their job. So you’re getting an IQ of 50-60 on the job. With a retard, however, they KNOW they are retarded and they know to keep their job they’ll need to put in 100% effort. Now even if a retard is only pushing an IQ of 75, he’s putting 100% into his job and thus, you have a net 15 IQ point advantage over a high school kid.

Not to mention the honest, genuine enthusiasm you get from your average tard.

Those kids who work at the multiplex? All they want is to save enough cash to buy a bag of weed and maybe Hey-Dude-It at the Quickie Mart for a six pack. Then they’ll probably end up making fun of you for being a square and watching chick flicks to get laid. Not the retards. Nope, they are genuinely grateful for their jobs.

Special Presentation will also be the cleanest theatre in town. Think about it, you ask a 17 year old punk to go mop the head and what’s he going to do? A crummy job, that’s what. But you throw Corky a set of rubber gloves and a toilet scrubber and tell him he’s Captain Bathroom and his mission is to eradicate the pee monster…two hours later that place will be clean top to bottom.

Plus think of the endless public service announcements you can have featureing your retard staff! You know those “clever” spots they have reminding you not to use your phone during the movie? Imagine this clip: The screen goes dark, then lights up as some douche answers his phone during the movie. Suddenly a flashlight spotlights the goofball and it’s one of our friendly ushers who reminds the audience, “I’m retarded and even I know that you don’t use a cell phone during the movie.”

Humiliation goes a long way…

Some people may have a problem with an all retard staff, but worry not. We’ll have regular folks as managers and Special Presentation will carefully screen out the droolers and masturbators.

So, coming soon — Special Presentation.