Look, first off, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE women. Love them. They are great…they have the titties.

But there are some chicks who annoy me. Mainly these are the ones who are kind of uptight about sex and think that any access to the pussy at all is cause for a guy to rejoice.

So look, confession time — I like it when chicks swallow.

It’s really part of the blowjob. Well it’s not so much the actual swallowing, which is great, but basically you have to cum in a girl’s mouth for it to be a blowjob, if you don’t it’s just foreplay.

Plus swallowing makes the blowjob portable…think movie theatre, guys!! Anyway I was browsing the search engines to see how my sites are doing and I noticed a page called “100 Cum Swallowing Tips” which I perused (every little bit helps when you are trying to sell it to a girl who refuses!) until something caught my eye!

Check out tip number 5: “5. The most obvious thing to do is use a condom. It may not be as pleasurable to your partner than it would be without it, but hey, it is better than nothing, right? I mean, you should not have to suffer. There are also flavored condoms for your pleasure. - Neva, New York”

Who is this whore???

Hi, Neva, from New York? You…you’re a crazy bitch ain’tcha?

Really, guys, it is better than nothing?? [yes that was a resounding “No!” you heard from the other readers as well.] If you think a blowjob with a condom is better than nothing than I feel incredibly sorry for you. Send me an email, I’m going to fly you out here and I’m going to get you a real, actual blowjob. No, it really isn’t better than nothing.

I’d rather beat off and watch Lost on DVD than get a BJ with a condom on. This is coming from a chick who must literally know nothing about sex. If a girl offered to blow me with a condom on, I’d be like, “Uh, no. Get out.” or first I might offer to eat her out with a wet suit between her legs.

Ladies, quick tip. It’s not called a blowjob because you blow on the cock. It’s called a blowjob because, when done properly it BLOWS your partner’s mind.

So, yes like most of you I’d happily live the rest of my days banging 21 year old hotties. BUT, variety is the spice of life. And…older chicks give better head. Seriously. Have you ever gotten a decent hummer from a woman under 24?

Yeah…no. They just don’t know how. And really, are super firm jugs a good trade for a dry, toothy BJ?

I think not my friends!!

So in my quest for the perfect oral I have moved up the scale. Not technically to MILFs as I think y’all know these days a 21 year old is as likely to be a MILF as a 41 year old. So I settled on your common everyday, but still hot 30-something. And I have learned some valuable lessons. Which I will share with you, my loyal reader[s].

Where to start? First off: Finding your prey. Actually, hot older chicks are totally easy to meet. Any 34 year old chick on MySpace is looking to get laid. Period. Also 30-something chicks are on the hunt all the time, so you’ll have better success hooking them on the job. My latest was a massage therapist I met during a massage, which is a bit of real game, mi amigos.

Next up, Hooking that snapper. The key is you have to play a different game than your bar game. Even if you are AT a bar, the game you have to play a different game. 30+ chicks are a little smarter. They respond to wit and actual conversation. I do a pretty decent cocky-funny rap and thus I’m pretty good at getting past their initial barriers. For example, I was on the table and the massage chick was kneading my dough and we were making conversation. She rolled me over and was giving the A-side some attention when she got a little too close to the dick so I said to her, “Easy babe, I always knew there was a reason you can’t spell therapist without the word ‘rapist’.” We had a laugh and the conversaion flowed onward nicely. On the way out I dropped this on her, “You know if you want to get closer to my package you’re going to have to let me buy you dinner.”

Bam, I had a number, a date and a kiss on the cheek. And, yes, I got that handjob at a later date. I’m working up to oral by date 3. Alas yes, older chicks still have the 3 date rule. But…man up guys! 3 dates, that’s not bad. Coffee is a date. Lunch is a date. Heh. Also you can double date, go for a drink, seque into breakfast..bam 2 dates.

If you’re read this far I can give you the Secret Poon Tip O’the Day, remember when you were 19 years old, gentlemen? When you had wood like a fucking lightsaber and would fuck anything that couldn’t run fast enough to get away? Oh yes…those days, gents. Well a 34 year chick has nearly as much testosterone running through her veins as you did then. Seriously. They are dying for some cock. Why not let it be yours? You can use this to your advantage. Women at their sexual peak don’t know how to deal with it. For 34 years they were in charge, they said yes or no to the sex.

Now? They have no control, all of a sudden the pussy is calling the shots.

We guys, we know what this is like. Since the age of 12 the cock has been the boss, but eventually after 10-20 years we learn to master it. Women? They have no clue.

Go out there and bag some MILF, guys.

A lot of times I write about Game - like how to pick up broads in bars and at clubs and things like I’m a guru.

I’m not, not really. At best I’m Luke at the start of Empire Strikes Back, well maybe halfway through when he’s carrying Yoda on his back but still can’t lift the X-wing. My point is, it’s a journey. And I hate to say it, but girls in bars are low hanging fruit, no matter how hot they are. Banging a 10 you meet in a bar is 100 times easier than banging an 8 you meet at the post office.

Weird but true.

So recently I think I progressed another level in my Poon-Jedi training. (All due respect, George Lucas.) I was able to score a date with a hottie who was cutting my hair. The thing is, as you progress down the road of game your skills get honed like a hunter’s and it gets easier and easier.

So, I’m getting my hair cut the other day and my regular girl isn’t there, her replacement is a lovely 20-something blonde with very perky B cup jugs and an amazing smile. So, she calls me back and introduces herself. I sit, she and I make a little small talk and she goes to work with a trimmer. After a bit, I turn my rap up a notch and we seems to be clicking. She smells great and she’s leaning in to talk to me…caressing my neck and shoulders as she trims my hair. Next it’s shampoo time and as we walk to the sink I touch her arm to give her some positive, non-creepy kino.

When she lays me back in the chair and goes to work, but she’s obviously into me, she’s leaning extra far over to wash my hair and brushing her tits against my arm and shoulder, etc. Now at this point you’re probably saying - oh she just wants a big tip. Well maybe, but it was more than that, I was able to lock in with her very easily, and keep reading. You’ll see.

So she takes me back and sits me down and finishes my cut. We talk some more and I keep my rap moving along and after the cut and before I’ve paid I number close her.

Now if a chick is trying to get a big tip she might make something up or give you a fake number, to prevent this I always program the number into my phone as she watches and then I call it on the spot, to see if the number rings her phone. In this case it did and she smiled a big “Call me!” smile as I left. Which I did a couple of days later. I told her I loved my haircut but I was far more interested in seeing her.

So…we’re going out tomorrow night. I’m going to lay the BJ close on her and see what happens. Tune in tomorrow night. Sorry, no video for you, she’s for me only, guys. Seriously, can I get a couple of non blog blowjobs on my own time? I know Ordinary Pornstar is the Official BlowJob Blog of a playa, but I need some me time.

Often times a younger brother will come to me and ask my advice on game. It’s like a Luke-Yoda thing. Obviously my skills have evolved over the years and I am always free with advice. It was the guys who came before me who took me under their wings to learn what I know, so I return the favor.

Recently one of my younger friends asked my advice on a common problem: where do you take a girl on a date to get some action? This is easy, of course: back to her place. What if she lives a great distance away OR has roommates? Well you could bring her to your place, but that’s usually a bad idea because a) you have another chick stashed there already or b) you don’t want to clue her in to where you live. Well the next best option is a hotel. but do you really want to waste $100 nailing a chick who you don’t like enough to take to your house?

Me neither. So, our discussion progressed to Plan D. Where do you take a chick you don’t like that much, but you still want to feed her a hearty meal of chub chowder?

I have several backup plans depending on the girl. The top of the list, for a girl I might actually call again is a no brainer, I take her to my office. It’s located in a converted house with commercial zoning, so it could pass as my place. Next up on the list is trickier, though.

My three ‘last resort’ booty spots are a) empty movie theater. If you are smart and do a bit of homework you can figure out which theaters in your area are likely to be empty and at what times. Recently I got a full on blowjob during a viewing of ‘Snakes on A Plane’…so you know, I really liked the film. b) My truck. I have a decent sized vehicle as a grocery getter and I’ve had full sex in the backseat. Hmmmn, it wasn’t 3 weeks ago that I got a nice hummer in the front seat, so either is a go. One tip - let her drive to the date and then after offer to drive her to her car. This gives you a nice opening to get your wiener wiped. c) if you meet at a mall sneak into the family restroom, you can lock the door so it’s private and there’s usually a couch. Plus 9 times out of 10 nobody is using these things unless you go in the middle of the day during the holiday shopping season.

So..feel free to leave comments with suggestions of your favorite booty spots.

So, this is a bit of a long story, please bear with me. As it has a happy-ish ending and a public service message.

Recently, because I’m a big time porn celebrity, a highly coveted Playstation 3 found its way into my hands. I wasn’t sure what to do with it as I’m not really much of a gamer. I considered giving to someone on my website’s promotional team, maybe I’d give it away to one of the loyal readers of my blog (ah-hahahahahahahha – just kidding, sorry to tease you…or AM I???) or perhaps just keep it laying around the office for my loyal, talented and hardworking employees to waste valuable work hours with.

In the end I did the American thing – I put it up for sale on Ebay.

Before long I got a ‘Buy It Now’ bid which closed the auction. However, the bidder had zero feedback and had just registered to Ebay this week. Obviously a shill bidder or a scammer. After filing the required paperwork with Ebay I noticed something in my inbox – a note from the bidder. How odd, I thought. Here’s the email:

“Hello Thomas, I need to send a surprise gift to my Son who went on a course Overseas in 497 6634 3452 this it for you to ship out the item (Nigeria) and his birth is coming up this months and luckily i came across your item,as i see that your item is in good condition for that.I will be making the payment through Paypal.kindly send me your Paypal Account Email Address Or Your Invoice,So i can make out your payment immediately & Paypal will notify you of my payment as soon as it has been comfirmed by them & your paypal account will be credited as soon as possible..let me know how much it will cost you in shiping the item to my Son in NIGERIA Using the courier service Royalmail Or Parcelforce Global Express (EMS) & send me the total amount for the item including the shiping cost to Nigeria.So i can make out payment Immediately.I choose the Postal Service Is safe Cheaper & Affordable. Make sure you get the package ready for shipment, You can ship the item as soon as you recieve the paypal confirmation.Please mail me now Cause it`s urgently needed. awaiting your fast reply.”

Here’s the public service announcement: never send anything to Nigeria, if you do you are a dumbass. Nothing. Ever. Never, ever, ever to Nigeria. Even if somebody comes to your house with a Glad bag full of $100 bills, it’s a scam. Nigeria = Scam.

The more you know…cue music.

So just for fun I sent the “bidder” a PayPal invoice and in return I got a some-what realistic looking receipt. Of course a quick check of my PayPal account revealed no payment. So I sent the bidder the following email:

“Dear Nigerian Email scammer, I”m sorry — I”ve been pulling your chain all day on this. You have to be smoking whatever they smoke over there to think anyone will fall for this.

You need to try harder! Come up with a new scam! Take some initiative, history is made by the bold, my friend! This scam would work ten times better if it were original!!

I respect the fact that you are doing your best to hustle us dumb Americans, but this scam is old news.

Merry Christmas and good luck in your future email scamming endeavors!”

Much to my surprise I got the following a few hours later:

“Dear Thomas,

I really appreciate your mail. It really touches my heart. I don’t mind leaving this scam artist work, What leads me there was that my mum and dad divorced and they neither cater for my needs again, so i decided to do what people do overhere which is scam. I don’t want to be a scam artist, i want to go to school but no sponsorer. Please, if you should in any way be my friend and advice. I will really appreciate it. I await your Mail. Thanks”

So I asked for the scammer’s address and sent him off a $100 traveler’s check I had leftover from a recent trip.

Like my old Dad always told me – It’s never a bad policy to take care of people.

So who needs a Playstation 3?

And PS - Ordinary Pornstar blog is awesome.