On occasion I get email from faithful readers asking my professional advice as a pornographer and man about town. Here’s the most recent…I felt like this fellow could use some words of advice.

I have been in Hawaii for about a week. I did the whole site seeing thing. I came to Hawaii to get away from Japan but on New Years night I saw so many Japanese here. I thought to myself this is how I spent last New Years, so I jumped a cab and told him to take me to a strip club. I went to spot that had a Mama San running it. Why do Mama-San’s have the power. They are the best pimps. Anyway I got in the spot and saw some Asian chicks and a white chick. I never tire of seeing Asian chicks in porn but in real life the sex has never been the bomb. So I took the white chick. She fell under the Good Quality Pussy
at discount prices category. I still end up hating myself in the morning for spending so much cash. Any advice on stopping myself from buying pussy?

Well my anonymous friend I do have some advice. But you need to ask yourself if you even want to take it. You’ve got a bad case of Zoo Lion Syndrome.

There are two types of lions in the world, zoo lions and wild lions. You’ve been to the zoo; a zoo lion lies around all day feeling sad, the memory of the hunt and the kill fading quickly. They rarely roar. Their spine is slumped, eyes glazed. They wait listlessly for the zoo keeper to drop off a load of meat.

The Mama San is your zoo keeper, my friend.

A zoo lion is depressed because it knows at an instinctual level that it doesn’t belong here, to be leered at by slack jawed yokels. The reason you feel bad after paying for poon is that you know that deep down it’s wrong. Those hookers are making a sucker out of you. Like all of the best things in life, pussy is free. And when it’s not, it’s no good.

Now a wild lion, surely you’ve seen those nature films of wild lions in Africa! Proud, majestic predators. They take down a fucking water buffalo or zebra with nothing but instinct, teeth and claws. You have that instinct! Your caveman ancestors never paid for pussy, they took it! (Disclaimer - this is not an endorsement of caveman style rape.)

You CAN be a wild lion again (or for the first time)!! You need to quit buying pussy cold turkey. No lap dances, no hand jobs. If it’s not free you can’t have it. There’s no other way. You need to (figuratively) go back to Africa where if you don’t kill it, you starve.

If you can’t live with this you’ll die as a zoo lion and that should be unacceptable to you.

So, step one. Give up the paid pussy for good.

Step two, wash the stink of desperation off you and get some free pussy. Granted there’s more to this than just wanting it, so sit down, pull your monitor up close and read every essay on my site about The Game. There’s enough there to get you started. Get inspired and then go out and try it out. If you fail, go home and beat off, and try again the next day.

I can GUARANTEE you this, friend, if you work at it it WILL happen. You WILL figure out how to do it.

I have gotten a LOT of positive feedback from readers on the Fucking Chicks Off Craig’s List post. By far the best was one of my buddies that I often chat with about game and broads over IM. He was chatting with some chick that was trying to pull the boyfriend thing on him.

RandomHooker (4:13:36 PM): i got my boyfriend a north face beanie and a j crew sweater!

BallerStatus411 (4:14:46 PM): LOL, I didn’t ask and don’t care.

RandomHooker (4:15:11 PM): yeah, i know.

RandomHooker (4:15:38 PM): but soon you were gonna ask to fuck so i thought i’d throw in the boyfriend thing again.

BallerStatus411 (4:16:00 PM): LOL, right.

BallerStatus411 (4:16:24 PM): I asked once like a month ago, get over it.

RandomHooker (4:17:01 PM): haha

BallerStatus411 (4:18:10 PM): Seriously, don’t worry, I won’t ask again.

RandomHooker (4:18:20 PM): i just need to fuck the bf again, it’s only happened once… blahhhh

BallerStatus411 (4:23:23 PM): Hahahahah. I must be good then, I fucked you the same amount of times as your boyfriend and I didn’t even have to pretend like I was interested in a long term commitment with you. SCORE!

Remember guys - fucking chicks is a catch and release sport.

One great thing that the porn biz has taught me is how to score with chicks. Not porn chicks, either. Regular hot chicks. Chicks I meet in a bar, chicks from MySpace or Craig’s List. Loyal readers know I often give out tips about scoring with chicks. These are not those bullshit tips that you see on typical men’s dating site, either. I hand out actual, tested, actionable intel. All for one low, low price.

No, no I kid. It’s free.

Why do I give out this valuable advice for free you might ask? Because in the end it will benefit me. You see I, like most men, like to fuck chicks. And I, like most men, like to fuck different chicks. Lot’s of ‘em. The number one problem that prevents me and most of y’all from banging more chicks isn’t our own skill at bedding broads, no! It’s those cock-blocking motherfuckers that think the only way to get a woman in the sack is to be her boyfriend. For every one of those poor suckers I educate I’m throwing a trout back in the stream for the rest of us anglers.

The only reason those guys are doing that and not sharing the bounty of fucking lots of chicks all the time is because they don’t know that there’s a better way. I don’t tell girls that they’re my girlfriend to get in their panties. Hell half the time I don’t tell a girl my last name before I feed her the dick.

How? Game my friends, game.

Most everybody knows a guy with game. But what most guys don’t know is that they can have game, too. You just have to get the player’s mindset. Working in porn is like game boot camp, you have a thousand competitors and you have to make yourself different and sell your site. It’s no different that walking up to the hottest girl in a bar and getting her number.

So today’s lesson is a primer for the player to be. A baby step towards being a ten foot tall pussy slayer.

Today’s Lesson — Getting laid by decent looking chicks off Craig’s List.

1. Market research. Look, you cannot start an ad campaign without researching the market and seeing what your competition is doing. Go to Craig’s List. Set up an ad using a Yahoo mailbox. An ad for a Woman seeking a Man. Yes, you read that right. Go swipe a pic of a decent looking chick off Google Images or use your sister or cousin or whatever. In fact, just go to Craig’s List in a different city and swipe an entire ad. Post it and wait for the emails to start pouring in. And they will POUR in.

2. Start reading that shit. This is what your potential fuck buddy is seeing when she puts an ad up. What you are looking for is what NOT to do. You will see a LOT of cut and pasted stock replies, you will see a LOT of sad sack losers who sound like rapists, you will see a LOT of morons sending you pictures of their cocks (Tip: you’re only gay if you save them) and you will see a LOT of guys sending pictures of themselves flexing in muscle shirts.

Think this is too much work? Fine, sit around on your couch playing Xbox and see how many girls come up to the door asking you to fuck them. Anything worth having is worth working for, and a reliable supply of pussy is worth having.

3. One thing you will notice right away is how important it is to craft a subject line that grabs a girl’s attention. When she’s staring at 250 identical subject lines your ass has to stand out. Now you can find you own way here, but here’s what I do: a typical Craig’s reply subject line looks like this: “Feel like getting out? - w4m – 22” so, as your research should have revealed, you’ll see a lot of these. You need to call attention to it, so what I do it add a clever, funny or rude tag line so my reply will be? “Feel like getting out? - w4m – HELLS YEAH BAYBEEEE!!!!!!!!!!” Yes, it’s a little silly. Regardless it will accomplish your first mission, getting her to open your email.

4. The picture. This is also a pretty important way to stand out and get your next goal – a reply email. Your research will, again, have shown you what NOT to do. You need to find a picture that does two things a) makes you look as good looking as your monitor tanned ass possibly can and b) makes you look like a fun guy to go on a date with. I have one where I’m on a beach getting hit in the head with a volleyball. It’s a silly picture but for some weird reason I look good in it. And it has a bit of Abercrombie catalogue to it. One of my buddies has a picture where he’s wearing one of those beer can helmet deals at a baseball game, another uses a picture of him having a light saber fight with someone. All of these are a bit silly but they accomplish points a and b.

5. The email itself. Short and sweet. Say something pithy and clever. Spell it correctly, don’t be creepy, don’t write a book. Say something specifically about her ad so she’ll know you aren’t cutting and pasting to every chick on the page. Tell her what to do next. In advertising we call this a ‘call to action’ say “If you like my picture, write back so we can talk.”

6. Wait. You’ve done all you can do at this point. If you are good you can get a 20% reply rate. So write ten or twenty emails and wait. If all goes well you’ll have 2-4 live leads.

7. The last step is important! Get her off the computer so you can close the deal. Tell her that email is so impersonal, that you have a good feeling about her (don’t mention that it’s in your pants), that you want her number. Give her yours and tell her to text you. The longer you keep swapping emails the more time you risk getting lost in her Inbox.

Beyond this it’s just basic 7th grade follow up. Call her, date her, fuck her. She’s single, she’s desperate, she wants a guy to fuck. Be that guy. Of 2-4 live hot leads you should be able to bang 1 fresh chick per pay period. Some won’t work out. Some will be fatties using the MySpace angle on you. But from the comfort of your home you can drum up a couple of dates a week, one of those is bound to pan out.

You’re welcome guys. Pay me back by dumping that hooker you’re dating so I can drill her.

Valentine’s Day can present a problem to a player.

Worry, not guys, I’m here to give you some pointers.

1. Unless you are planning on getting in deep, never take a chick out on Valentine’s Day. Don’t do it. Yes you may get a choice piece of ass tonite, but it’s not worth it. You are sending a big message — you are telling her that when you think of romance, you are thinking of her. Bad idea. Instead, there are two ways you can go: a) come up with a reason you can’t go out or b) tell all of your ladies that you are going out with another chick. My favorites in the category of a) are to tell chicks that my Ma has had a tough year and I’ve decided to take her to a nice dinner OR that I’m babysitting my sister’s kids so SHE can go out. So…I look like a hero AND I don’t have to pick any particular chick.

2. So what do you do for your ho train? FedEx a gift over. This is your chance to shine. A nice gift doesn’t say “You are my special someone.” It says…I intend to collect some of that ass later, baby. And…you don’t really need to spend that much cabbage on a gift. The key is….PACKAGING. Seriously. A lot of guys don’t understand this. If you gave a chick a platinum tennis bracelet in a paper sack OR a bag of dog crap in an elaborate gift box, stuffed with tissue paper, wrapped in a shiny ribbon, with a big bow on top…she’d really have the same reaction.

No shit.

You’re going to have to plan ahead, here, though, and use some logistics skills. First you’ll need to make a list of all the chicks you want to take care of on VD. Don’t skimp, guys! This will pay dividends in a few weeks when you’re home, bored, and have a boner you need to stick somewhere. There’s good news, though. If you do this correctly you can buy in bulk.

No, seriously. Buy some tasteful cards in a ten pack, then go to some place like Cookies From Home or Brownies.com and call in for a corporate rate. Now you have to buy 25, and if your potential booty list isn’t 25 chicks long…freeze that shit, GUYS!!!

Get this crap back to your HQ, pack it up and swing by the post office and drop these in the mail on Feb 11th.

3. Send out a gang of text messages on the 14th and you’re a great golden god. Collect those booty calls well into April.

Enjoy, guys. I’m here for you.

So, yes like most of you I’d happily live the rest of my days banging 21 year old hotties. BUT, variety is the spice of life. And…older chicks give better head. Seriously. Have you ever gotten a decent hummer from a woman under 24?

Yeah…no. They just don’t know how. And really, are super firm jugs a good trade for a dry, toothy BJ?

I think not my friends!!

So in my quest for the perfect oral I have moved up the scale. Not technically to MILFs as I think y’all know these days a 21 year old is as likely to be a MILF as a 41 year old. So I settled on your common everyday, but still hot 30-something. And I have learned some valuable lessons. Which I will share with you, my loyal reader[s].

Where to start? First off: Finding your prey. Actually, hot older chicks are totally easy to meet. Any 34 year old chick on MySpace is looking to get laid. Period. Also 30-something chicks are on the hunt all the time, so you’ll have better success hooking them on the job. My latest was a massage therapist I met during a massage, which is a bit of real game, mi amigos.

Next up, Hooking that snapper. The key is you have to play a different game than your bar game. Even if you are AT a bar, the game you have to play a different game. 30+ chicks are a little smarter. They respond to wit and actual conversation. I do a pretty decent cocky-funny rap and thus I’m pretty good at getting past their initial barriers. For example, I was on the table and the massage chick was kneading my dough and we were making conversation. She rolled me over and was giving the A-side some attention when she got a little too close to the dick so I said to her, “Easy babe, I always knew there was a reason you can’t spell therapist without the word ‘rapist’.” We had a laugh and the conversaion flowed onward nicely. On the way out I dropped this on her, “You know if you want to get closer to my package you’re going to have to let me buy you dinner.”

Bam, I had a number, a date and a kiss on the cheek. And, yes, I got that handjob at a later date. I’m working up to oral by date 3. Alas yes, older chicks still have the 3 date rule. But…man up guys! 3 dates, that’s not bad. Coffee is a date. Lunch is a date. Heh. Also you can double date, go for a drink, seque into breakfast..bam 2 dates.

If you’re read this far I can give you the Secret Poon Tip O’the Day, remember when you were 19 years old, gentlemen? When you had wood like a fucking lightsaber and would fuck anything that couldn’t run fast enough to get away? Oh yes…those days, gents. Well a 34 year chick has nearly as much testosterone running through her veins as you did then. Seriously. They are dying for some cock. Why not let it be yours? You can use this to your advantage. Women at their sexual peak don’t know how to deal with it. For 34 years they were in charge, they said yes or no to the sex.

Now? They have no control, all of a sudden the pussy is calling the shots.

We guys, we know what this is like. Since the age of 12 the cock has been the boss, but eventually after 10-20 years we learn to master it. Women? They have no clue.

Go out there and bag some MILF, guys.