So, it looks like I’ve gone and pissed off the internet virgins.

Great.

Of all the groups you don’t want to piss off, trust me the internet virgins are at the top of the list. After all they’re obviously not out getting laid or even TRYING to get laid which, for me, takes up like 65% of the time that I might otherwise spend blogging, so…advantage virgins. Honestly, I haven’t pissed off this many virgins since high school when I was refining my A-Rod-like slide into third base, if you know what I mean.

And…well this entry ain’t gonna help my cause.

You can see here how some of this started on The Feminist Virgin, who labeled me a ‘virgin hater’ for my cynical and mean characterization of Jane Mag’s fake internet virgin, HERE in my continuing series known as ‘What the fuck is wrong with…’

First off — my dear internet virgins, you are more than welcome to your virginity. Enjoy it, embrace it. Why get all offended at my opinion? I’m just one guy. A lot of guys think like me. A lot of people think like you. It’s a big world…Fords, Chevys. Crunchy, smooth. Star Trek, Star Wars. Coke, Pepsi. Simpsons, Family Guy. Mayo, Miracle Whip.

Second off — this is my blog and I say y’all are crazy motherfuckers for living your life and crafting your identity around a temporary state of being. The 23 year old virgin writes,

“Actually, the over-20 virgins that I know happen to be some of the sanest, most down-to-earth women I know. I have no scientific basis for this, but I’d bet that the percentage of non-virgins as compared to virgins that are psycho women that you would never want to be involved with is about the same.”

the first part of this? Spend 5 minutes reading this chick’s blog and you see who’s right here, this chick is about as nutty as Professor Klump. The second part of this is basically true, though. Most women are pretty fucking crazy. HOWEVER, if you put up with their craziness they let you tap that ass, so cost/benefit wise, it’s a go.

Third off — all the non-virgins who posted waited a long time to lose it and then married the person they lost it to. Uh…debating with these people is like debating creation versus evolution. If you ask me this is like waiting to eat until you can get a table at a 3 star restaurant. I dunno about y’all but I get hungry on a daily basis.

Fourth off — One of the chicks who broke my balls on the virgin’s site writes her own blog: Marlea’s Mind.

Dude, you gotta check this broad out. THIS is a prime example of how nutty virgins are. So, no she’s not technically a virgin. At the budding age of 29 she finally gave up the pink. The tale of her de-flowering is a lovely read. And I highly recommend it as an example of why you shouldn’t date chicks you can’t nail after a few dates…the best part is her description of the act itself:

“Was it great? No, it was nothing special at all. Being my first time, there was a bit of discomfort, and he came in about 2 minutes. This was definitely not mind-blowing sex for me…”

So yes, she’s a 29 year old virgin and she has an attitude. The sub-point here is that she waited 29 years for 2 minutes of mediocre pumping. The major point is that if you read back, she teases the guy for 7 days straight and is disappointed that he blows in 2 minutes.

Ladies - virgins and non virgins alike, let me give you a bit of advice on the hydraulics of the cock: the longer you prime the pump the more you’re going to get and the faster you’re going to get it. 7 days? Shit, if a girl teases me for 7 hours she’ll surely get more than 2 minutes out of it but it’s also getting delivered at supersonic speed. After 7 days I’m surprised this guy didn’t blow her cervix out.

Fifth off — The fuckin’ Shield is on, I’m OUT.

PS - Any virgins reading? Send me a nice note and I’ll happily de-virginize you. Seriously, at my expense. The whole package — a suite at a lovely resort, champagne, low lights, something romantic on the stereo like…Too Short. And I promise it’ll take longer than 2 minutes and there will be plenty of lube. All this I offer you. And seriously, this really is a favor I’m offering cos a) I probably won’t enjoy it and b) if you were super hot you’d have been date raped by now so…see point a.