So at some point in your career you have to say to yourself, “What is my exit strategy?” often times people say to me, “Thomas,” they say…well they don’t really say this because that’s not my real name. More like “[My real name] do you really think this internet porn thing is going to go on forever?” The answer is no. No, I don’t think that it’s going to last. Either a) I’m going to retire or b) someone is going to come along and eat my lunch and put me out of business.

BUT…I’m a fairly smart guy. I have a back up plan. Which I’m going to share with you now…because I love you…because you read my shit and send me nice emails….with pictures of your hot sisters…sometimes.

So sit back, relax and get your safe ready, cos I’m giving you gold here.

All good ideas begin with a problem. So what is the problem I’m solving? The movie theatre experience. When’s the last time you went to the movies? It probably sucked for a variety of reasons, right? It did for me. And the thing is, I love movies. I love the movie theatre experience. When the lights go down and the previews begin, it’s like the world fades away.

However, all the stuff before and after the movie (and sometimes during) is what makes it a bitch.

What’s the first thing you see when you arrive at the theatre? Yep, it’s some snarky, zit face selling tickets. Then? Hey another grumpy zit face who is way too good for THIS crappy job and would rather be texting his goth girlfriend than tearing tickets. What next? Some wiseass trying to upsell you on a gallon of Coke? Then after you chug your Grande Refresco, you gotta whiz and where do you go? The nasty ass restroom. Why is it nasty? Because no 17 year old making $6 an hour is going to do anything better than a half ass job mopping up tinkle.

Even worse than the zit faces are the ushers of the damned…those sad sack old people sitting there hunched over giving you the Parkinson’s fingers as they try to rip your ticket as if it were made of Tyvek.

I hate this shit.

However, I had a great idea a while back when I cruised by the local Google-plex to catch a matinee. The usher was some retarded kid. And he was happy to be there! He tore my ticket, pointed me to the correct show, reminded me that my movie was starting soon and enocouraged me to enjoy the show. And you know what? He meant it!

When’s the last time someone told you to “Enjoy the show.” and they really meant it!?!?! It got me thinking…

Why not staff an entire movie theatre with….RETARDS!!! Yep, the retard theatre.

Now the first thing you need in any venture is a good name. So the working name is “Special Presentation”…”Retard Theatre” is more accurate but…not PC. THOUGH, people will probably call it “Retard Theatre” anyway.

The benefits of an all retard staff are multiple. First off are the financial benefits: the government will subsidize the employment of retards. On top of this since I’ll be doing this to benefit the working retard community I can probably mark up ticket prices a buck or two and people will happily pay. Not just to help the helmet crowd, but because Special Presentation will provide a pure, upscale theatre experience.

Why you ask?

Well the thing about the normal theatre is you are employing relatively normal kids who are probably total slackers. Think of it this way, say your average kid has an IQ of 100. But for $6 an hour they’re only likely to put 50-60% of their brain power toward their job. So you’re getting an IQ of 50-60 on the job. With a retard, however, they KNOW they are retarded and they know to keep their job they’ll need to put in 100% effort. Now even if a retard is only pushing an IQ of 75, he’s putting 100% into his job and thus, you have a net 15 IQ point advantage over a high school kid.

Not to mention the honest, genuine enthusiasm you get from your average tard.

Those kids who work at the multiplex? All they want is to save enough cash to buy a bag of weed and maybe Hey-Dude-It at the Quickie Mart for a six pack. Then they’ll probably end up making fun of you for being a square and watching chick flicks to get laid. Not the retards. Nope, they are genuinely grateful for their jobs.

Special Presentation will also be the cleanest theatre in town. Think about it, you ask a 17 year old punk to go mop the head and what’s he going to do? A crummy job, that’s what. But you throw Corky a set of rubber gloves and a toilet scrubber and tell him he’s Captain Bathroom and his mission is to eradicate the pee monster…two hours later that place will be clean top to bottom.

Plus think of the endless public service announcements you can have featureing your retard staff! You know those “clever” spots they have reminding you not to use your phone during the movie? Imagine this clip: The screen goes dark, then lights up as some douche answers his phone during the movie. Suddenly a flashlight spotlights the goofball and it’s one of our friendly ushers who reminds the audience, “I’m retarded and even I know that you don’t use a cell phone during the movie.”

Humiliation goes a long way…

Some people may have a problem with an all retard staff, but worry not. We’ll have regular folks as managers and Special Presentation will carefully screen out the droolers and masturbators.

So, coming soon — Special Presentation.